Zombie or University Undergraduate?

Everyone, it is April. That means it is time for my favorite bi-annual extravaganza: "Zombie or University Undergraduate."

I can already hear some of you asking "Kevin, surely you aren't a complete moron. Even if you can't grow facial hair and have questionable taste in music and women you can definitely tell the difference between a mindless, rotting sack of consumption and hatred personified and an 18-22 year old that isn't quite smart enough to avoid shelling out 35,000 or more for a degree of absolutely no value."

Where does he get the time to dress up during such a busy season?

AHHH! GET IT! ITS BITE IS CONTAGIOUS! GET IT IN THE HEAD!

See what I mean? It's impossible to tell the difference between the pale, soulless, wraith dragging itself through a living nightmare and the zombie. 

But, as a University Student I can't just rely on my highly convincing graphical representations to defend my thesis, especially not when the comparisons go so deep.

Similarity 1) They do not sleep

Not to sound bitter, but I'm fairly certain that exam period is a way for all of our professors, University administrators, and older people in general to take out their deep seated hatred for how much more awesome it is to be a young person in the age of Youtube, Smart Phones, and relatively minimal threat of Nuclear Holocaust at the hands of Communist Russia. Nobody that actually has love/respect for humanity would ever mandate a gruelling month long period where students are asked to forsake eating, sleeping, exercises, hope, fun and everything else worth loving for.



ITS A TRAP



The most dehumanizing loss however, is definitely the loss of sleep. Maybe the fact that I'm going to get a maximum of 3 hours of sleep is biasing my judgement, but I think that the absolute deprivation of my greatest solace, a strategy employed by most modern secret services as their most effective form of torture, should be a criminal offence. Much like the living dead, however, students grow to accept this reality over the course of April.  Their initial resistance to the deconstruction of their humanity gives way to a passive acceptance flittering in the back of the mind of a rotting brain struggling to push a decaying body as it shambles its way around campus.



Similiarity 2) I simoltaneously hate/fear/am fascinated by both of them.

I don't know how much more I can say about this point. The truth of the matter is that both groups exist beyond the pale of reason. They both exist in the uncanny valley of the unhuman.  University Students sit between the positions of real student learning valuable life skills neccesary to their operation as functional humans and actual productive members of the workforce, manging to fail utterly at fufiling either category for 4 years or more. Zombies just can't quite figure out if they are living or dead.

This inability to pick a side is frightening, and infuriating.

Similiarity 3) The Three C's: Consumption, Consumption, Consumption.

Book Learnin', Coffee, Human Brains, the life of a University Undergraduate/Zombie is all about the single minded shuffle towards material gratification. Could I tell you which one really desires what? Probably not, but the way that these empty, hollow, shells of former humanity pursue something that, in all honesty, is completely useless to them and have absolutely nothing to do with their futures is both impressive and soul-crushingly depressing.

Similiarity 4) Neither of them are very likely to vote in the next Federal Election.

#BOOM #Couldn'tResist

My vote goes to Undergrad: A mob of undead wailing at the cruel
universe is considerably more musical than Ke$ha.

Similiarity 5) This is less of a similiarity and more a question: Which does this individual most resemble?

Covered in dirt and reaking like a hamburger left in the sun for 6 weeks, devoid of discernable focus, and lusting for human flesh Ke$ha would, it seems, resemble a zombie in so many important ways.

However, her age, lack of hygiene, constant nocturnalism, affinity for auto-tune and ability to somehow mix considerable latent intelligence with a lack of willingness to apply herself to anything academically also make a strong argument for Ms. Sebert a seeming ringer for Team Undergrad.

In short, if you can explain to me the difference between the hordes of post-secondary humans longing for death and the hordes of undead hoping to help them along please let me know. This inability to distinguish Team Undead from Team BarelyAlive may well prove to be a serious liability.