Angry Bird Edition

I just punched a bird.

First, I want to make something absolutely clear, I hate birds. However, punching this particular bird had very little to do with any predisposition I may, or may not, have towards the avian menace.

Dear Birds:

I punched that bird because it punched me with its terrifying claws in the back of my head. It foot-punched me first.

I am not an advocate of violence. I do not believe in committing violent acts against animals, I don't believe committing violence against people, I don't believe against committing violence against television (which is why I hate the Slice network). I'm also not smart enough to premeditate violence against flying critters. I actually just spent the last 20 minutes sitting around spreading silly putty on my hand in order to give myself a second, sillier, epidermis.

No, ladies and gentleman, this was a primal response to a crow swooping down and accosting my brain cage.

You may have all heard about the "angry birds" incident at Queen's University. I'll keep the story brief, a bunch of green pigs tricked a bunch of birds and, in the resulting confusion of their dastardly trick, the green pigs stole the bird's eggs and fled. Now the birds are foot-punching me in the head for no reason and I'm pissed right off.

Does that make any sense? No, none of this makes sense and I'm furious.

None of this makes sense...

I can hardly even call what I did to that bird a punch. To put my actions into angry bird terms my fist was like a single blue bird trying to break a concrete block. My fist didn't punch so much as gently suggest that the crow get the hell out of my hair before it gives me bubonic bird lice. In short, I struck no great blow to this menace. Like a dwarfish kiln on the magical gold of Sauron's ring I did not but earn this great evil's ire. 

I'm not sure what needs to be done to stop these birds from dive bombing pedestrians, but if all they want is the pigs to give their eggs back then I am going to eat nothing but bacon sandwiches until they are returned (including the golden ones.) If that doesn't work I would appreciate my University getting rid of them. We don't have enough space for our students to live next year, it doesn't do us any good to further overcrowd our campus with these hell-spawn.

/endrant