Sauron, Base Master of Treachery, Furious at Depictions of Torture in "Fellowship Of the Ring."

Describing the film as misleading and "grossly inaccurate"  a representative of Sauron, The Necromancer, Lord of Barad-dûr and Base Master of Treachery has lashed out at the producers of the controversial film, "The Lord of The Rings: Fellowship of The Ring." 

The All Seeing Evil Eye of Sauron,
Furious at allegations it endorses torture

The spokesperson, known only as "The Mouth of Sauron" wanted to vocalize the extreme outrage of the forces of the Dark Lord at depictions of torture presented in the film. They're concerned that viewers across Middle Earth will believe  a series of extended scenes  featuring the torture of one "Gollum" to be fact. In the scenes, torture of Gollum leads to the discovery of the One Ring of Power which had been hidden in "The Shire" a remote hilly region in the west of Middle-Earth. 

Executive Director of the Armies of The Dread Abomination, and Cheftain of the Ring-wraiths, The Witch-King of Angmar has insisted that the torture of Gollum provided no information that was crucial in the discovery in the One Ring of Power. When asked for comment he responded: "In fact, it provided no information whatsoever. We were mostly just bored, and wanted to see how long he could hold his breath." 

Pictured: Peter Jackson,
the Controversial Director

In a letter to the Council of Elrond, The Nameless Enemy said that the "use of torture in the pursuit of The One Ring of Power did severe damage to the reputation of The Legions  of The Abhorred Dread that cannot be expunged. The film-makers and production studio responsible for this are perpetrating a morally reprehensible myth that torture is an effective means of extracting information and advancing the agenda of the Dark Lord. In truth, torture is merely an auxiliary tool for the extraction of information, often used as a tertiary mechanism for destroying the spirits of our enemies. In truth, the brutal occupation and systematic decimation of the local populations and rapine exploitation of its resources are our preferred method of making a population malleable."

Debate has been swirling of late about the responsibilities, or lack thereof, that are incumbent in being a storyteller. Many critics have pointed to the evident depiction of the efficacy of torture in the expedition of the discovery of the powerful artefact in the history of Middle-Earth. One film critic for the Barad-dûr Gazette  responded that "It just, makes us feel uncomfortable. There was a decade where nearly 80 percent of our population were vocal supporters of torture and the brutal annexation of our enemies. It makes us sad to think about that, so we would rather not see it all. If we do see it, it it would make our consciences feel much better if the storyteller changed history and presented it in a way that made it look like we were critically questioning the morality of our actions." 

Sorry, Wrong Movie

The producer of the film has remained quiet in the face of controversy only recently providing a statement: "I...but, you tortured him. Whether he said 'Bilbo,' 'Shire,' is surely non-substantive to that fact? Isn't it? Surely you aren't just using these complaints as a chance to absolve your guilt over a decade that resulted in the near complete moral and ethical degradation of Mordor? Because that would be a pretty shitty thing to do."

Rohan, or some other place. I can't keep track of this
metaphor any more. 

I Volunteer As Tribute: An Open Application to Mars One

Did you know that humanity is currently looking for volunteers, nay applicants, nay tributes to be our very first space colonists? That's right friends, the next frontier is upon us and I want to go to there.

Mars One, a company based in the Netherlands, has set up a very specific plans for humanities first Colony on our big red neighbour. They want 4 volunteers to engage in an arduous decade long training exercise/reality television show to prepare them for the settling of a land named after the Roman God of  War in September of 2022. Before The Situation, Kanye West, Hilary Clinton and Neil Degrasse Tyson call dibs on this opportunity to help shape human history I want to throw my name into the ring for formal consideration. I think that my family heritage, impeccable personal qualifications and general sunny demeanour would make me an exceptional candidate to help take the next giant leap for mankind.

A very little known fact about me is that my lucky number is actually September, 2022. When you're looking to put together a one way suicide mission to colonize a barren, nearly oxygenless, wasteland has to count for something.

But there is more to consider in my application than a simple numerological miracle. As a Canadian I come from a nation with a unique combination of frontier ruggedness and a lack of American "revolt against the motherland" history. Europeans have been softened by a millennia of living in real cities. Americans might have a colonial history but carry with them a certain innate proclivity for revolt. Both bring traits that could jeopardize the mission. Canadians are a unique mixture of frontier adaptability and resilience combined with a political herd mentality and almost puppy like obedience to confusing and often arbitrary governmental authority.

It might be reasonable to point out that I lack formal training in the sciences of medicine, engineering, aviation, geology, chemistry, physics, transfiguration or horticulture. I might point out that I also lack the liver damage that traditionally comes with an engineering degree, I'm not as boring as a geology or physics major, transfiguration is probably not even a real thing and doctors are overrated on a suicide mission. When we're all clearly going to die from an explosion, or all of our oxygen being sucked out of our space age hobbit holes, what use is someone trained in preventing infection or mending broken bones? For this mission we need people with a single minded passion for personal glory and nothing to lose, it's the kind of job that the Politics major was made for.

Much in the spirit of the above point, popular culture has taught us many invaluable lessons about the value of having a plucky, wildly under-qualified underdog play an important role in what would appear to be an impossible mission. When NASA sent Homer Simpson to space it was initially an ill considered publicity grab designed to secure enough funding to maintain a space program capable of making genuine advances in the eternal pursuit of knowledge. In the end, it was this wildly irresponsible, poorly trained moron that saved the mission from inevitable failure. What caused the problem he was forced to fix? We may never know, but if NASA had failed to send along the hero we never expected, but so sorely needed, who knows what kind of catastrophe could have befallen the crew? In short, I will take humanity to Mars, though I do not know the way.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I don't really have anything else on the go. Community, Happy Endings, and New Girl don't look like they're going to make it, Louie isn't on TV for the foreseeable future. Baby Boomers are currently squatting on all the good jobs, and I'm not handsome or gregarious enough to have any legitimate dating prospects in the near future. On the plus side, I'm just entertaining enough to make Mars One some spare cash by starring in their bizzaro "Survivor: Mars" reality show and I'm crazy enough to put my life in the hands of people who are willing to base their mission to launch humanity into the next stage of civilization by ripping off the plot of a Simpsons episode.

Also, if you let me go on this mission I will recreate this scene... IN SPACE:

The Never Going to Hunger Games

My funemployed status affords me the exceptional opportunity to consider some of the great issues of the day. I rarely consider them thoroughly, and even when I do I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I consider them well, but I certainly do consider them. As you’re all well aware, the issue du jour is the royal fetus, or more specifically, the possibility of there being royal fetuses.

Some folks have taken this opportunity to debate issues of trifling significance like the symbolic nature of a monarchy in what is nominally a meritocratic society . While I suppose the minor minds of our time can entertain themselves with questions of a strictly academic value I can’t help but feel that this question really missing the boat on what should be an issue of fundamental importance to all Canadians, what do we do if there are twins? More specifically, how excellently would that opportunity allow us to address the anti-meritocratic nature of constitutional monarchies?

I’ve heard rumour that in the instance of there being two royal fetuses that eventually become two royal babies the official heir would be the one that is born first. How much more arbitrary can we make the directing of God’s divine will than by depriving a potential monarch of their birthright over a few mere seconds?  I think that allowing a first past the cervix approach to the inheritance of entire British Empire is a sub-par method for choosing God’s chosen. In lieu of this antiquated method I have a perfectly reasonable—and undeniably meritocratic—ways to determine the future heir to the crown of Great Britain and its Commonwealth. 

The Hunger Games Method

Having recently watched the movie with my family, however, I can safely say that I am a PhD level mind in the universe of…whatever universe the Hunger Games is in. With that in mind, I feel like I am most ably positioned to provide guidance in the uniquely challenging instance of the royal uterus “doubling down” on the whole provision on an heir thing.

In essence, method one is built around the notion that the monarch most able to guide the British Empire back to prominence is the one willing to fight for it, literally. Before you turn up your nose I would point out that we basically use the royal family as a multinational reality television show already, and NFL/UFC/Vice-Presidential Debate ratings more or less disprove your “violence is bad and socially unacceptable” objection. As we all know, might is right and popularity is tantamount to moral legitimacy, that’s why Kanye West and Drake are more or less the modern day Popes.

My proposal is that in year 2031—assuming the world isn’t a nuclear wasteland where we have kids fighting each other for fun anyway— we have the two royal snotty teenagers fight each other to the death in a needlessly elaborate, televised, grudge match. Admittedly, this is a difficult to stomach option for our soft 2012 eyes and ears, but I suspect that the population that suffers through the impending octuple-dip recession will be a much hardier folk with a greater preference for pragmatism in lieu of mollycoddling weakness .

It will certainly be difficult for the anti-monarchists among us to argue that the crown was passed on to the next generation unearned. We also have almost 15 years of documented proof that the winners of reality tv events are veritable living Gods in the arena of public opinion. Who doesn’t remember Richard Hatch, Boston Rob, whoever won one of the Big Brothers?

Truly, we would have the leader we need, and deserve.