Why I Need A Dog: The Jed Chronicles Volume 1

You cannot even begin to fathom how badly I want a dog. I know you think you want a dog (unless you want a cat, in which case you need to give your head a shake) but before you strap your big kid pants on and bring yourself into this equation you need to ask yourself a few important questions:

Take A long hard look at the light blue lips
of madness and consider that answer again.

1. Are you willing to fight me for a dog? My math skills aren't exactly streets ahead, but I've calculated my odds of trying to bully you into giving up on your doggy dreams at 100%. I'm going to find some way to force you to drop it, and I won't remove physical intimidation from my list of possible strategies. The reason is simple, there is a finite number of dogs in the world and every one you take lowers my odds of getting my dog. I know it only lowers those odds infinitesimally, but that won't stop me. Doubt it? Before you answer that you need to decide if you're willing to push a man who thinks Ke$ha qualifies as great music? Are You?




2. I already know exactly what kind of dog I want and we belong together. When the stars align and I get my Golden English Labrador-Retriever named after the greatest imaginary president in American History, Jed, the world will be, quite simply, a more correct place. One of the world's many tragedies is that I have been forced to live 22 years apart from my spirit animal. Another? That the world has been deprived of seeing me frolic around with an English Labrador Retriever. They're like a slightly lazier version of the smartest, cutest, most awesomest animal on the planet. It's like they genetically engineered a dog version of me. How does your piddly little "want" compare to a compulsion on the part of the entire world to right this current, perverse, anti-equilibrium?

3. I'm really lonely, and I probably need this more than you. (Imagine that being said in a tough/manly voice.)

I cannot impress upon you how adorable the world would be if I had a little/big/old/really-any-sort-at-all Golden English Labrador-Retriever. This is the kind of cute that gets hard-lined directly into your system. The kind of cute that hooks you so badly that the only way your sweet addiction can end is butt naked, covered in glitter and sugar in a ditch on the side of the 401 trying to recover from a 72 hour Nyan Cat and puppy picture bender of Hangover-ian proportions.



To make a long story short, I need a dog. I might not get one today, hell I might not even get one tomorrow. However, one day you will look over the horizon and spot a shining golden beacon of canine magnificence and you'll already know its name, Jed.